Ever.....

Ever feel like your life was not in your control? Like everyone else in your life is calling the shots and your just there to follow the directions given to you? 

Ever feel like your just failing no matter how hard you try? 

Ever feel like every decision you make is wrong? 

Ever stand in a room full of people and still feel alone? 

Ever feel like just throwing up your hands and saying I quit? 

Ever stop looking toward the future cause you know it's just more of what your already in? 

Ever feel like no one gets you? 

Ever feel like you just don't belong? 

Ever feel like you just can't connect with other people? 

Ever feel like no one would miss you?

Ever feel alone?

I do. 

Frozen in time

Well being a truck driver you have a lot of time to sit and think about stuff. Do self reflection If you will.
As I sit here and look at my life it's like looking at pictures frozen in time. Snapshot here. Snapshot there.
Flash of when I was a kid. Swimming with my cousins during the summer. Hanging with my friends in high school. The birth of my first child. The day I got married. First time I climbed in a truck. The day I got divorced. The day I met my gf.

Everything is just snapshots frozen in time. But it's these snapshots that make us who we are. So don't ever lose even one of those or you lose a tiny piece of
who you are.

Friends

How important are friends? Do people have to have them? What the secrets to making and, more importantly, keeping friends?

I have no answers to the above questions because I for one don't have any friends. Sure I have the occasional person I text a couple words to now and then. Couple people I talk on the phone with every now and then. But I don't have that one or two people that you can tell anything to. That knows your fears, likes, dislikes, favorite pizza, how old you are, and your feelings.

I try to be myself but evidentially that isn't how you make friends. I've been told to not speak my mind so much. Not be judgmental, not have a opinion about everything. Basically not be who I am truly.

I guess if the key to making and keeping friends is to be a mindless drone follower, with no opinion, who doesn't tell anyone what they think, then I guess I'll just stay lonely. Cause I can't stop being who i am. It's the only thing in the end that you truly have to hold onto.

Mistakes

I hate making mistakes. I seem to do it quite often though. Example: today I overslept and now have to wait all day to get loaded. Which in turn will put me late for my delivery, which makes me late for my service, which makes me late for my next pick up etc etc.
one of these days I will stop making mistakes.......one day..

Fudging a little

Well the last 2 days have been kinda fun. I've had to "fudge" my log book in order to get my loads done in a timely manner. Had to move this here then move it there and show I'm somewhere else then show that I'm where I'm suppose to be but only at a later time. Yeah this is why being a truck driver is fun. I'm really gonna miss when we go to electronic logs and I can't "fudge it a little."

Year in reflection

Well almost a year ago my world was torn apart. I lost my wife, my house and my life as I knew it. My wife wanted a divorce. I had failed as husband. I went into a deep depression and tried commuting suicide twice. It was a very very dark time in my life.
Now fast forward a year. I have met a great woman. I have a house (hers but hey I live there). I have a good job that gets me home every weekend so I can be with my kids. I have stopped playing video games (part of my problem was this addiction). I am now family oriented. So I guess maybe the divorce was a blessing in disguise.
Jenny (my gf) has been asking me to marry her since we met. I have dodged the question and avoided the subject at every turn for fear that I will end up like I did last time. Alone and broken.
Well I think it's time to stop dragging my feet and get back on the horse they call life and move onward and upward. Maybe get remarried, maybe start being a little more religious too.
Maybe just start living a little more each day.

Danger load

Well picked up my load today after it being over 2 hours late due to paperwork. Start heading down the road, look out my mirror to check my reefer indicator light and what do I see but a error. Stop and clear the error but still won't start. Call my maintenance and they send me to a truck stop where the mechanic proceeds to stand there and look at it and say I can't do anything. Thanks bud.
Now here I sit with a load of fresh meat in a trailer with a reefer that won't run. My only saving grace? The wonderfully cold Iowa winter weather. I love this state.